Unnecessary Anxiety

I don't understand why I am still so attached to you. I hate feeling angry and upset everytime you talk about other girls you know. Well in fact, you shouldn't be a part of my life anymore. You should've dated them. You should've found a replacement, like I always wanted you to.

But behind every word I said about me being replaced, there's a wound that has gotten bigger everyday. The wound from missing you and still loving you.

I often ask myself why should I care, or why should I be sad about it, where actually I'm the one who wanted you to be happy with somebody else. But you know, that is not easy.

I know I said I'd be happy if you're happy, you wouldn't just believe that, would you?

I bet you knew I died a little, everytime I asked you about them. That's becuase I just wanted you to leave me, so I could disappear.

I wanted you to already be with somebody else, before I completely lose you. Sometimes, so that you won't miss me ever again.

To be honest, I didn't want us to be like this. You know that I love you more than anything else in my life. But, I love you enough to let you go.

You have to know that I think about constantly every second of my days. You never slip off my mind. I often relate something beautiful to you.

I don't know if you do too, but I know you do feel it inside of you.

I used to believe that someday we'll find a way, but I've had enough of that.

I've had enough of your optimism and positivity. And I gave up on that already.

Sometimes, when you called me, I thought you were just bored and needed to find something to do. Like a leisure time activity and then, you finally find something to do, you'll leave, just like that. I don't if that's right, but that is how I feel.

And now, when I actually want to be alone, you came. Again.

Telling me the story about how heroic you were. Defending some poor little, weak innocent girl that was hit by her man.

I'm sorry, but I really don't want to know about it. It's not that I don't have any compassion, but I am not that kind of person that can be as gracefully as you think I'd be.

If you want some girl, you don't need to tell me. You just have to leave me alone.

Because you don't know how painful to be told that you've been replaced by another.

It feels like you aren't needed anymore. Once again, I know that it is what I want, but you can't blame me. I have a heart that is need to be taken care of.

My French Story Part 1: Simple Introduction

You see the title of this post and I bet you know what I mean. Well, as you know that I'm majoring in French language and literature in college at the moment, so I'm going to show off a little bit of what I have learned. Enjoy...

Bonjour à tous!

Je m'appelle Elisabeth. Je suis Indonésienne. Je née le 21 janvier 1992 à Jakarta. Je suis étudiante de la faculté des sciences humaines de la section français. J'habite à Cibubur avec mon père et ma mère. Je parle indonésien, anglais et français un peu. J'aime bien écouter la musique jazz, regarder les films et écrire le journal. Ajourd'hui, j'ai appris le passé composé.

That's a little bit of my French and I'll update after next les lecons. Au revoir chers!

Secretly Honest

I really hate it when I see you talk cute to other girls.

I hate how those cute expressions come out of you.

I really hate that you don’t realize how much I’m still afraid of completely losing you or hand-over you to another person.

I hate that I still can’t stop thinking about you.

I hate how I’m being so cliché all the time.

I hate myself for being jealous of those girls, even though I want you to be happy with the one who will replace me.

I hate holding back my tears and keep going through with my lonesome nights.

I hate how I still wait for you, where actually I’m waiting for nothing.

I hate this burdens I still bring since the day I let you go.

I hate being too emotional.

I hate how I always greet you good mornings and wishing you good nights.

I hate how you always make me smile.

I hate how I really don't want to let you go.

I hate having this inconsistent feeling.

I hate being blue.

I hate going through day by day, waiting for you to call, just to wonder how am I doing?

I hate daydreaming and being stupidly in love with you all over again.

I hate that I couldn't hate you.

I hate how people think that I'm being too much or exaggerating, because they're not me.

I hate remembering how we used to be.

I hate you all of the sudden being really sweet, then 5 minutes later, you're being sweet to other girls.

I hate how you always make me scared.

I am scared.

I’m being secretly honest, I hope you understand why…

Paris, la ville de l'amour

Source: Tumblr

La tour Eiffel à Paris

Do you?

I wished for you, I still do and I'll always do...

I have this random feeling every weekend

I just realize that I’m kind of dumb, with way too high of expectations and still, I’m hoping that you would care. Even though, I know you wouldn’t, you won’t.

I’m still giving myself mercy for loving you this much and not planning on moving on, just because I’m afraid of being this hurt again. I’m complaining or even blaming you, but I’m just shocked of this truth I got inside my mind. I am not special for you anymore and you have better things to do or think about, than giving a glance on how I still feel about you. It doesn’t change a bit.

And this is one of the reasons why I hate weekends. I got so fucked up, with nothing to do and all I be able to do is lay everywhere I can and put you upfront of my mind. Wondering, waiting for you to care enough to talk to me.