Mon cœur, ma vie et mon âme

Je veux juste dire que je ne peux pas vivre sans toi. Je peux, mais je ne veux pas. Je suis seul ici sans toi. Tu me manques tellement, mon amour. Je voudrais vouloir être avec toi, mais je ne peux pas. Je ne sais pas pourquoi je t'adore ce beaucoup. C'est trop fatigant pour moi. Tu es ma vie, mon âme. Plus de dix million humains dans ce monde, c'est seulement toi que je veux. Je t'aime de tout mon cœur. Mon meilleur moment est quand je suis avec toi. Je suis très fatiguée et j'ai besoin de toi à côté de moi maintenant. Je suis seul et brisées sans toi.
J'ai besoin de toi plus près de moi. Je vais toujours aimer de toi avec tout mon cœur parce que tu es mon âme. J'ai envie de toi ajourd'hui, demain, la semaine prochaine et le reste de ma vie.

As-tu déjà me manquer?

Responds-moi, s'il te plaît...

Unnecessary Anxiety

I don't understand why I am still so attached to you. I hate feeling angry and upset everytime you talk about other girls you know. Well in fact, you shouldn't be a part of my life anymore. You should've dated them. You should've found a replacement, like I always wanted you to.

But behind every word I said about me being replaced, there's a wound that has gotten bigger everyday. The wound from missing you and still loving you.

I often ask myself why should I care, or why should I be sad about it, where actually I'm the one who wanted you to be happy with somebody else. But you know, that is not easy.

I know I said I'd be happy if you're happy, you wouldn't just believe that, would you?

I bet you knew I died a little, everytime I asked you about them. That's becuase I just wanted you to leave me, so I could disappear.

I wanted you to already be with somebody else, before I completely lose you. Sometimes, so that you won't miss me ever again.

To be honest, I didn't want us to be like this. You know that I love you more than anything else in my life. But, I love you enough to let you go.

You have to know that I think about constantly every second of my days. You never slip off my mind. I often relate something beautiful to you.

I don't know if you do too, but I know you do feel it inside of you.

I used to believe that someday we'll find a way, but I've had enough of that.

I've had enough of your optimism and positivity. And I gave up on that already.

Sometimes, when you called me, I thought you were just bored and needed to find something to do. Like a leisure time activity and then, you finally find something to do, you'll leave, just like that. I don't if that's right, but that is how I feel.

And now, when I actually want to be alone, you came. Again.

Telling me the story about how heroic you were. Defending some poor little, weak innocent girl that was hit by her man.

I'm sorry, but I really don't want to know about it. It's not that I don't have any compassion, but I am not that kind of person that can be as gracefully as you think I'd be.

If you want some girl, you don't need to tell me. You just have to leave me alone.

Because you don't know how painful to be told that you've been replaced by another.

It feels like you aren't needed anymore. Once again, I know that it is what I want, but you can't blame me. I have a heart that is need to be taken care of.

My French Story Part 1: Simple Introduction

You see the title of this post and I bet you know what I mean. Well, as you know that I'm majoring in French language and literature in college at the moment, so I'm going to show off a little bit of what I have learned. Enjoy...

Bonjour à tous!

Je m'appelle Elisabeth. Je suis Indonésienne. Je née le 21 janvier 1992 à Jakarta. Je suis étudiante de la faculté des sciences humaines de la section français. J'habite à Cibubur avec mon père et ma mère. Je parle indonésien, anglais et français un peu. J'aime bien écouter la musique jazz, regarder les films et écrire le journal. Ajourd'hui, j'ai appris le passé composé.

That's a little bit of my French and I'll update after next les lecons. Au revoir chers!

Secretly Honest

I really hate it when I see you talk cute to other girls.

I hate how those cute expressions come out of you.

I really hate that you don’t realize how much I’m still afraid of completely losing you or hand-over you to another person.

I hate that I still can’t stop thinking about you.

I hate how I’m being so cliché all the time.

I hate myself for being jealous of those girls, even though I want you to be happy with the one who will replace me.

I hate holding back my tears and keep going through with my lonesome nights.

I hate how I still wait for you, where actually I’m waiting for nothing.

I hate this burdens I still bring since the day I let you go.

I hate being too emotional.

I hate how I always greet you good mornings and wishing you good nights.

I hate how you always make me smile.

I hate how I really don't want to let you go.

I hate having this inconsistent feeling.

I hate being blue.

I hate going through day by day, waiting for you to call, just to wonder how am I doing?

I hate daydreaming and being stupidly in love with you all over again.

I hate that I couldn't hate you.

I hate how people think that I'm being too much or exaggerating, because they're not me.

I hate remembering how we used to be.

I hate you all of the sudden being really sweet, then 5 minutes later, you're being sweet to other girls.

I hate how you always make me scared.

I am scared.

I’m being secretly honest, I hope you understand why…

Paris, la ville de l'amour

Source: Tumblr

La tour Eiffel à Paris

Do you?

I wished for you, I still do and I'll always do...

I have this random feeling every weekend

I just realize that I’m kind of dumb, with way too high of expectations and still, I’m hoping that you would care. Even though, I know you wouldn’t, you won’t.

I’m still giving myself mercy for loving you this much and not planning on moving on, just because I’m afraid of being this hurt again. I’m complaining or even blaming you, but I’m just shocked of this truth I got inside my mind. I am not special for you anymore and you have better things to do or think about, than giving a glance on how I still feel about you. It doesn’t change a bit.

And this is one of the reasons why I hate weekends. I got so fucked up, with nothing to do and all I be able to do is lay everywhere I can and put you upfront of my mind. Wondering, waiting for you to care enough to talk to me.

Men

Source: tumblr.com

Anna Karina as Angela in "Une Femme est Une Femme" (1961)

Je suis trés fatiguée

Frankly, I haven't been sincerely happy ever since I knew you and I should let go. I've been putting on a fake smile and insincere laughter. I think I'm good at acting. I've been acting like I'm happy and I pretend to be strong. I blink away my tears every time I feel like I'm going to cry.
I hold my chin up, even though I just wanted to fall down and cry on my knees.
I don't mean to whine or what so ever, but sometimes I couldn't hide it.
I feel like I'm being possessed by this despairing sorrow.

I am very tired.

The cuddliest love is the puppy love

Source: weheartit.com

Je t'aime

"Tears make women beautiful."

"Nothing is more beautiful than a woman with tears..."
- Anna Karina, Une Femme est Une Femme (1961)

Attachment

It's been quite a while since we last met. I miss you quite terribly ever since. I really miss how you hold me, while you whispered the sweet words in my ear. I miss how you used to flattered my hair. I've been thinking of something that I feel since we first broke up last year. I think we have something that tied us up until now. I think we have something connected inside each of us.
Something that brought us together, in which ever way.
I keep thinking about every little possibility that might not just be a coincidence, but I don't want to hope or expect any higher. It might drop me off the ground and I don't want to get hurt anymore.
Sometimes, I wish you would want to be the "same" as me, so that we could be together. But I know that sounds too egoistic.
This time we have this issue about harmony is religious diversity. And I think we could another concrete example of unity in diversity. I just want us ti be together so bad.
Sometimes, I can't stand myself not being with you anymore. Maybe it's kind of exaggerating, but much less it is how I feel.
I can't fight nature.

"I think our souls are connected, that what makes it hurts to let go..."

I really want to be with you right now. I need somebody to hold onto.
I'm almost drowned into the mud of my own despair.
I fear that someday, you will forget me. I'm scared that one day, I will be replaced and forgotten.
You wouldn't miss me or think of me when you're awake at night, just like I always do.
I'm afraid that I will never have somebody to hope for anymore.
I don't think I have any sober things to say to you, I only have these pointless poetic phrases that might describe how I actually feel until now.

Romanticism

"I love you, baby..."

The 9th of September

I just want to remember every little details of how we used to be.
Just for today.

I love how you gave me my first kiss.
I love how you always reminded me to eat.
I love how you swished your nose against mine.
I love how blow my ears.
I love how you smell my hair.
I love how you pop your knuckles.
I love how you loved what I cooked for you.
I love how you call me “baby”.
I love how I always asked for a hug and you gave me big, warm ones.
I love how you kiss me.
I love how you say cute, cuddly things.
I love it when we cuddle on your couch.
I love your panda eyes.
I love your fat tummy.
I love how you sing me a birthday song for me.
I love how we used to play thumb wrestling.
I love how you still there for me.
I love the fact that you still love me.
I love you.
I miss you.

I miss him

Starting College Part 2: Becoming "One" of Them

I'm starting college, like officially. It's been a week now and I kind of like it. I love all the subjects and studies. I love how I am being teach by professionals and I like my new environment, friends and the communities. I have loads of things to do and accomplished from the seniors and of course, the faculty where I study. And the exposure, to be 'one' of them.

Well, 'one' of them, yes. I don't recall that negatively, but it's quite an effort adapting as a different person. I'm trying to change how I speak, think, see and feel. I try to act smarter and more individualistic. I'm building my mind and thoughts so it could become more critical. I think this is the intellectual way of saying that I'M SCARED.

Sometimes, I'm afraid that I'd sound or seem stupid in front of them. I don't want to feel embarrassed anymore, I think I've had enough of it. I just shut myself up if I have nothing qualified to say, or there's nothing smart that would came out of me. In other words, I am silently drowning myself in a mud of intellectuality. I want to be one of them. I want to sound as smart as them. I want to work as hard as them. I don't want to be left out and behind, like I was.

Lirih

This is one of the best masterpiece from Indonesia's music maestro, the late Raden Chrismansyah Rahadi or as we have also know as Chrisye. My absolute favorite song, it is called "Lirih". From what I have heard, the song mostly tells about someone who was hoping to be back with the one they love, but the circumstance has changed and there's no hope for them to be together. This is the situation that I have been going through and the song really reflects my life phase at the moment.

"Lirih" by Alm. Chrisye

Kini t'lah kusadari, dirimu t'lah jauh dari sisi

Kutahu tak mungkin kembali kuraih, semua hanya mimpi

Ingin kucoba lagi, mengulang yang telah terjadi

Tetapi semua sudah tak berarti, kau telah pergi

Adakah kau mengerti kasih, rindu hati ini tanpa kau disisi

Mungkinkah kau percaya kasih, bahwa diri ini ingin memiliki lagi

Kusadari kembali, ternyata semua khayal diri

Kini kutahu tak mungkin ada waktu untuk mencintaimu lagi

Adakah kau mengerti kasih, rindu hati ini tanpa kau disisi

Mungkinkah kau percaya kasih, bahwa diri ini ingin memiliki lagi

Adakah kau mengerti kasih, rindu hati ini tanpa kau disisi

Mungkinkah kau percaya kasih, bahwa diri ini ingin memiliki lagi...

Once when you were mine...

You were always there for me.

You were mine entirely.

I had your body and your soul.

I had your tears and your smile.

I had your heart and your mind.

I could have them and keep it all just for me.

Yo gave me everything I've ever dreamed of.

You gave me your shoulder to lay my head when my life's caving in.

You held me warm when my world turns cold.

You listened to everything I said.

I was prettiest girl for you.

You stayed up with me when I cried.

You fixed me up when I was shattered and scared.

You made me laugh when I didn't even want to smile.

You were there to listen.

You read my fear.

You knew exactly what to do and say.

You knew when I needed you the most.

And now that I have left...

I can't ask you to be there for me anymore.

I can't kick those bitches' ass for trying to get to you.

I can't tell you how I really feel about what you have said.

I can't tell you how much my love still grow for you.

I can't call you in the middle of the night just to hear me cry.

I cannot hold you like I always do before.

I can only dream about you.

I can only think of you in my sleepless nights.

I unconsciously think about you everyday.

Nobody tells me I'm beautiful.

I feel so ugly.

Starting College: Orientations

August 2010, I'm starting college. I finally go to my dream campus. The best and the top university in our country, University of Indonesia. One of the best university in the world.

I started on August 1, 2010. The activities are mostly choirs, assignments and orientations.

The department gave the freshman tons of assignments and tasks due to the university and faculties orientation program.

We have to write essays about cultures, some project proposal and presentations. Some briefings and meeting with the faculty were also included. I'm going to study the French Language and Literature.

I've worked so hard to get in and I won't waste a bit of this. Now, I'm kind of scared of the orientation next week. I'm not mentally trained for doing this with whole new different people from different cultures and background, but I sure know they've got major brains.

Were going to have the orientation for about a week (or around 6 days). The university orientation program will be held on August 18-19, 2010 and the orientation from the faculty is after the university orientation, continue with the department orientation right after the faculty.

It will be an orientation week. The schedule is all set and ready to roll. There will be a lot of activities, talk shows and other educational activities that will help us go through college life.

Hopefully, there will be no weird things happen during the programs.

I'll tell you all about it at the end of the month.

MY WISH LIST: August 2010

1. Miu Miu bag

2. Yves Saint Laurent Iconic Arty Oval Ring in Coral

3. M.A.C. lipstick in Angel

4. Le Vernis Chanel Nail Colour in 527 Nouvelle Vague

5. Chanel No. 5

When?

When will I stop? When will I regret being with you? When will the feeling stop growing? When will I learn and carry on?

When will I stop longing for you? When will I stop thinking about you? When will I stop loving you so much?

When will I grow up and leave everything behind? When will I forget about everything? When will this pain end?

When will I stop crying for you? When will I stop being sure that you still love me? Because I don't think you still do...

When will I realize that nothing would ever get better? When will I know for sure that we're not meant to be?

When will this tears stop falling? When will I stop being so stupid? When will I stop remembering?

When will start to forget? When will I stop caring?

When will I stop waiting?

When?

Because honestly...

I'm so tired of my own effort. Trying to convince myself that you still care.

I'm tired of being happy, but I'm not.

I'm tired of hearing what you say about other girls.

I know I wanted you to find a better person.

That loves you more than I do.

The one who misses you dearer.

That will think of you even in her sleep.

But it still hurts anyway.

I wish you would know that, but I don't want you to know.

I wish you would know how I really feel inside.

It's useless anyway.

The Last Time For Everything

I never thought this day would come.

The day when everything is over.

Today is the last day for everything.

The last day to see his face.

The last day to touch him.

The last day to hear his voice.

The last day for me and you.

Today is the last day.

The last day to see my sisters' smile.

The last day to hear them laugh.

The last day to hold them when they cry.

The last day to laugh together.

The last day to be with all together.

I can't hold back my fear and tears anymore.

I am really scared of not being with anybody I love.

Instead of being with my family, I'd rather be with my friends

Because they know me better than anyone else.

They hold me when I'm sad.

They washed away my pain.

They wiped off my tears.

They fixed my broken heart.

It always feels like home when I'm with my sisters.

I don't think I can go through things without them.

To my soul sisters...

I love you all so much

I will surely miss you girls so much.

You're all the angels of my life.

And to Donny...

I'm sorry.

Forgive me for everything.

I can't be with you anymore.

I can't see you often anymore.

I'm really going to miss you.

I just want to say thank you the sweetest last kiss.

The sweetest goodbye.

I love you so much.

I hope you be well.

I hope you'll find your happiness.

Let's close this chapter.

Say one last prayer.

I love you, girls!

I don't know how long we've been friends.

I think it's just so long that we call each other "Sisters"

I don't exactly remember how, when or where we met, but who cares?

All I care is that we are now together and we always there for each other.

We've been together with all the laugh, the tears, the jokes and the fights.

We wiped each others tears.

We fixed each others broken hearts.

We put a smile on each others beautiful faces.

We give joy in each others lives.

Nothing can ever replace our memories.

And this is it.

Here we are, girls...

We're growing up.

We're going to chase our dreams.

We're going to get out there.

We will show the world what we've got.

I will never forget all the crazy things we've done together.

And all the times we've spent together.

I'll miss every moment we're apart.

And everything that we used to do.

Thank you, God...

You gave me the angels to lighten up my life.

They're all beautiful.

And I thank you, girls...

For always being there for me.

Always there when nobody ever cares.

Always...

I love you so much, girls...

P.S. I dedicate this post to my beautiful angels...

Grace

Sindy

Tika

Lionita

Cevanie

Bimi

Arkazha

Devita

Oddy

and Irwinsyah

Thank you for lighten up my life.

I love you...

With love,

Elisabeth

You poured me with love!

Aurora

I'm too lost in you

Good morning texts
Late night phone calls
Holding hands
French kisses
Silence that isn't awkward
"How's your days?"s
Heart-to-heart talks
Very long goodbyes
All the tears and smiles
When I used to fell asleep and woke up as yours
Oh how I miss those beautiful things we've done together
All the good and the bad times we've gone through
The "I love you"s
The love and the lust

It's been quite a while now. I've been alone without physically (and maybe mentally trying)
The tears since that day and that night, I've been trying to wrap in.
Everything changes.
I change.
I'm trying to go through phase by phase.
And I think I've fallen behind

There is one thing everyday that makes me smile.
It's you.
It's still you.
It's always been you.
It is how you say my name.
It is how you tell me about your day.
It is the thing about you that makes me think that you still care.
I love everything about it, about you.

I know I'm still too lost in you, but it is my way to go through my everyday.
Thank you for still being there.

I miss you, and I hope you do too...

You and I, were conspired by universe

You came true

You are missed

This song is so touching. I heard this from "My Sister's Keeper", it was performed by Edwina Hayes, but I found the real version by Chantal Kreviazuk, which was the soundtrack of "Dawson's Creek". I love this song very much...

"Feels Like Home" by Chantal Kreviazuk

Something in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself

Makes me wanna lose myself in your arms

There's something in your voice, makes my heart beat fast

Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been

And how long I've been so alone

And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along

And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark streets

And a siren wails in the night

But I'm alright 'cause I have you here with me

And I can almost see, through the dark there's light

Well, if you know how much this moment means to me

And how long I've waited for your touch

And if you knew how happy you are making me

I never thought I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

This song represented how I really feel for someone right this moment. Sadly, I can't be with him anymore. However, I still love him dearly...

Finally...

I never knew this kind of sign would happened. I feel it in the last 3 days this week and it just happened today. This sign which really make me think that there's no more hope. There's no way anything could be better. Nothing will ever happen anymore.

Earlier today, I was at the movie with my friends when suddenly I had a mention on Twitter from him. He said that he lost the anklets that I made for him 2 years ago. I was kind of accepted it with a really heavy heart. I tried to cheer myself up with not thinking about it, but it just keeps coming in my mind. I've been thinking that this is a sign. A sign for me and him to forget each other and move on. I'm thinking that there's nothing left of me with him. Nothing. Not even one.

I'm wondering if he tried to find it or not. I'm thinking that he might forget about it. He had me with him, but now I am nowhere to be found.

After he mentioned me, I didn't know what to say. I didn't reply him. I just want to let it go and think that this is a sign. He contacted me then, I replied. I asked how could he lost it and I said that's okay. He said he still had it when he was out and found nothing tangled around his leg when he got home. He said the anklets was already attached to him ever since I made it for him. He said he's sad that he lost it. I tried to let it go and talked about other thing. I couldn't help myself, I said I miss him and he said he missed me too. He said it with my full name on the text. I don't know what else I can do, except stop waiting for everything. I just want to stay. I don't ever want to hope for anything. I don't think I'll ever get over him, in any ways. I'll be missing everything, everyday. I felt really bad last night though. It turned out that he lost it somewhere.

I blame myself for everything. I couldn't blame him though. It is never his fault. I'm sad because of my own thoughts.

I confess that I still wait for him sometimes. I've waited for him to say "Hi" everyday, but sometimes he didn't. I made myself sad with my stupid stubbornness. I torture my heart with my stupid wishes. I really have nothing else to do or say about it.

I've been feeling so devastated lately. I hit myself sometimes. I cry myself to sleep every night. I feel so alone. I don't feel as pretty as I used to feel.

Last night, I had a tantrum because of such a little thing. I cried painfully and hit my chest really hard.

I was so mad at everything, so I decided to blame myself. I have nobody or nothing to give my anger away. I couldn't scream. I couldn't fight. I'm hopeless. I don't want anybody to know.

I feel so pathetic. I have nobody to turn to because I know my friends would be sick of hearing this over and over again. I couldn't tell him because why should I told him?

All I know now is I have to let things go the way they suppose to go. I have to sit still and expect nothing.

I've let my expectations flew way too high brought me down and hit the ground. I feel like my heart had lied to me. It lied to me. It's like a false hope. It gives me nothing more to dream about because it is too painful to dream.

Oh what a life...

A month or so, if I may say

Quite hard, but this is it

Nothing will ever get better

It gets hard each day

I get stronger each day, but...

I am a human, I get hopeless every once in a while

I sometimes lost in my own thoughts, most of them are sad

I end up being sad every single night

"I love you" just sounds meaningless right now

The only words that's left is "I miss you"

I keep telling everyone that I'm missing him, but it ended up hurting everybody

I keep telling myself that it's no way, but it ended up getting things even painful

Sometimes, I have this feeling...

A feeling that makes me want to disappear and come back again when everything get easy

A feeling of being so vulnerable

A feeling of hiding

I thought the past would just pass by, but I was wrong

I am living in my past right now and I'm wishing that my past could turn into my present

Or maybe even my future

I just hate how things going on right now, I don't feel lucky at all

I feel so alone

Even I'm in the crowd, I still feel shattered

I'm water

He's water

We came from two different containers

Water meet water

They blend

We blend

Something separate us in another 2 containers

I still have him in me

He has me in him

Hurts

It still hurts

I asked God

Why did He let us meet if He wouldn't let us be together?

How could He let us fell in love?

I still don't understand why

I'm trying to understand

People told me to ask God for my true one, but...

I have no vision of the one

I don't want to...

I want him...

I got tangled up

I keep thinking about what was it like back then

I miss everything

I want to go back

I wish I could go back, but...

There's no way back

I can't find it

Someone erased it

All that it's left is me

Here

Alone

He used to be there when everything started to fell apart

He was there to put the pieces back

He was there to tell everything will be okay

He was there to hear me

And now, I have pushed him away...

Away...

I miss looking at you

I miss touching you

I miss listening to your voice

Your heartbeat

Your breath

The sound of your steps

I miss how you told me that I'm beautiful

I don't feel beautiful ever since, at all

I feel so ugly

I feel horrible

There's nobody telling me I'm okay

I'm hopeless

Nothing...

Nothing more I can do

I only cry

I only curse

I only sit

I only stand

I only sleep restlessly

I tried...

I tried to be happy

I tried to be good

I tried to eat my sadness away, but...

It's eating me alive

I feel so far away from everything

I feel so far behind

I feel left out

There's still a fear

A fear of being alone

A fear of cannot survive

A fear of being rejected

A fear of being hurt

A fear of not being able to run away

A fear of being stuck, while everyone else is moving on

A fear of being replaced

I really need one more day with you

I acted sarcastic

I feel no love

I feel nothing

It's been so long since that day, the day when we were still so in love

The day when you were still mine and I haven't said goodbye

The day when I still can call you 'mine'

The day when I haven't ruined everything

The day when I was still happy thinking about you

The day when everything was too beautiful to let go

The day when I still get to hold him close and listen to his heartbeat

The day when I can still taste his breath

The day when I can still look deep into his eyes and I could tell that he loves me so much

And today, I can only see things in my mind

The things that used to make me smile every single day

The things that keeps me through a bad day

The things that always stopped my tears from falling

The things that made me feel like I'm the luckiest person on earth

The things that I thought about every day and, smiling

I had to say goodbye, I had to let go first

Don't ever think that it's easy for me just because I didn't cry

These eyes might not be watery, but this heart is all shattered

Don't ever think I'm having all this fun without thinking deeply about what I've done

This lip might curved in smile, but the thoughts of you haunted me every single time

Don't ever think that you're the only one who's devastated

I might look well on the outside, but I'm all broken on the inside

Don't ever think that I don't love you anymore

You never know that I'd give my life just for a warm hug from you

Don't ever think that I am tough because I am not at all

I maybe sound alright, but I'm screaming in pain inside

Don't ever think that I'm so mean, by leaving you just like that

I leaved you because I care, I don't want you to crushed and burned

You weren't there when I needed you the most

You don't know how scared I was, being called 'slut' by the ones who gave me this life

You don't how shallow I was realizing that we won't be together for any longer

You don't understand

I left you because I had no choice

We are too different to be as one

We were never meant for do or die

So whatever you think about me, it's okay

I deserve it, because I'm just a pathetic little coward

I'm just not brave enough to be with you

And you deserve someone better than me

Thank you for loving all these years

I love you, Donny...

I Love You...

I just wanna tell you about today and all.

I'm so happy today!

I got so much love pouring over me these past few days since that night.

okay, so I've spent all day with my boyfriend at school today.

We've never really spend much time with each other in the past because of something or anything but I feel a lot of differences about us since we got back together a couple of months ago.

He's a lot more caring and a lot more cuddly.

Maybe just sit next to each other is so enough for me, as long as I'm with him.

We laughed, I told him some cheesy jokes, do his hair, hold hands and stared at each other.

It was so simple but so meaningful.

Every second that i've spent with him is precious and deep.

Even though we didn't really talk about anything but just sit beside him and hear his voice can really make me so happy.

We played around like little kids and just being happy that we're together and we also did the sociology assignment together, so fun!

Oh yeah! Something very interesting happened today!

There's an english listening test earlier today and guess who's got the perfect score?!

Only me and my boyfriend!

I think that was so cute, I mean we're both the only students that got 100 on the test!

He wrote 'I LOVE U' on my hand and he wrote his name 'DONNY' on my upper arm with his pen while i was doing my sociology assignment then i wrote him back on his hand with the 'I ♥ U' too!

It was so much fun today and i hope i get to do that again tomorrow.

And I feel like my spirit to study hard is fully-charged after the christmas-new year break, maybe because of the good time I had when I went to tegal for vacation.

And well, maybe because he's always there for me.

All I can say now is just i'm feeling so lucky to have someone who loves me with all his heart and I'm so glad to have him as my boyfriend.

Seriously, he changed a lot but in a good way.

I just want to hear his laugh and see his smile every single day.

I just want to make him happy 'cause he made me.

I just want to love him.

Honestly, if you ask me why I love him, I can't give you an answer.

I don't love because he makes me happy.

I don't love him because he can protect me.

I don't him because he loves me.

I just love him, so simple.

I love him so much like fish loves the water.

I'm enjoying this moment and i'll never waste any second of it!

He means a lot to me or maybe more than that.

To my sweet boyfriend, Donny.

I just wanna say thank you for being my boyfriend and for loving me so much, i mean i really need it!

I love you just the way you are.

Thanks for being in my heart.

♥

Wrong...

I thought today was going to be a beautiful, stress-free day but in fact that it's all just stupid little dream.

Even though I was with him all night but my parents are still bitching me about it, that's why I've been so frustrated then.

Okay so here it goes, I went out with my boyfriend today without telling my parents who I go with and they kept calling me on my cellphone but i didn't pick up.

Well, I know as parents they were freaking out and at the end i had to tell them the truth.

And the truth is i lied because they wouldn't let me go with him because they don't like him just because he's different (you know, in religion) and that's why my parents thought that we're not meant to be.

I don't really wanna think about that point, but the one thing i still don't is that why did God let this man in to my life if He never wanted us to be together?

I think it's really mean and it's just point-less.

Why would He ever drew us together if we really have to say goodbye in the end?

I tell you i'm really not good in saying goodbye.

And we know that people should love and care for each other, now i'm doing it.

I'm loving and caring my boyfriend for good.

I chose him because I think he's the one and only person (in this case, from a stranger) who can love me with all he has and never really look down on me (mentally or physically).

I had a lot of experiences like having a crush on someone but they totally ditched me like dirt!

They're cute, smart and well, in this case have the same faith but they never really have an eye on me.

Every time I had a crush on someone, they just completely ditched me, like no kidding.

They always made a crack on me, especially physically because i did look like a total geek back then.

From that, I got the point that guys only like pretty and beautiful girls, not a geek looking girl like I was.

I started to change little by little but it still didn't make any effort in my love life situation.

Well, I was still in junior high back then but is it wrong to like someone and you just wanted to get to them but what did i got? TOTAL SELF-HUMILIATION

It was this guy, let's just say his name was "Ron".

He was cute, smart and kind of popular.

and I liked him.

It was just fine at first, then I started to get to him but he was such a 'child', he teased me rudely a lot.

I never really bothered about it because I just wanted to blend in, at least with his clique.

At first, he's the only one who teased me like that but then he brought some other friends to mocked me.

And the way they teased me is so damn rude, they were using lots of dirty words like they told me to do "BJ"

I was so effing upset because I can't believe I fell for this kind of guy.

And I never ever really had a crush on anyone ever since.

Well, actually there's a lot more back then but that one was the worst.

And that was the first time I ever cried over a guy.

Ironic, huh?

And then i got into senior high and i tried to gain my reputation.

Well, i didn't really think about boys, love or relationships until i made a friendster account and met this guy named 'Bart', for example.

He was very nice to me and I sort of into him back then.

He asked for my cellphone number then he text me every single day.

He was really caring until I sort of fall over him too fast and found myself lying on the floor (like when you fall in love with a person, they're not really there to catch you).

He dated other girl.

It was so embarrassing and kind of a let down (DUH!).

And I hate people who gives empty hopes and leave you there like trash!

Then he came back lately like a few months ago, such a turn off!

And then I met my boyfriend, Donny in sophomore.

There were actually no intense actions from him but he text me quite a lot and comments on Friendster.

He always makes me feel so precious and beautiful.

To tell you the truth, I never see myself as pretty, I don't know why would guys like me.

He's the only one that can make me feel like a real girl who wants to be loved.

I mean, seriously! every girl would want to be loved right?!

I always feel safe around him.

Even though he's jealous a lot but he never made it hard.

Well, maybe sometimes i'm the one who made it hard on myself.

And I think I have found a guy who can really treat me right.

Well, we're all imperfect human.

As a girl, I just want to find my true love and lived happily ever after like in the fairy tale books.

If possible, I really really really want to meet the one NOW!

That I really want is love, that's all!

I mean, my boyfriend can feed my heart in balance.

If I should leave him because my parents wanted to, I'm not ready!

He's not cute, not smart or whatever but he knows how to treat me well.

I know he did hurt me once but now he comes back to change everything.

And now I know that he is my first love.

The one that I might should leave someday.

I'm just scared that someday he'd never be mine anymore, even though i prayed for someone better for him.

I know I will hurt myself by saying that someday, but it's better for me then to see anyone hurt because of me.

I just want to make sure that he wouldn't be hurt if we really have to break up again.

All i want is to be with him right now!

I feel really safe in his arms and i never wanna let go.

I told him last night while we were cuddling to each other that i wanted to stay like this forever.

I never wanted that moment to ever end.

And these questions are running around in my head.

What if I'm never gonna find another love like that ever again?

What if no one will ever love me like that again?

Sometimes i wished he never came into my life and took my heart so that nothing like this would ever happen.

The kind of love i want is a beautiful sweet love with the one who make me smile every single day.

Once again, I just want to be loved and feel precious in someone's eyes.

I wanna say I'm sorry to everyone that I've hurt, I never wanted to hurt them, I just want to find something.

And I'm really sorry to my parents for everything I did.

I know i'm wrong.

I just feel so alone.

I have no one to turn to.

I don't wanna tell this to my parents because they always get mad at me.

And to my love, Donny.

You are a great guy, seriously!

And I love you so much, i don't ever want to love another.

Because for me, you're my one and only.

And I prayed to God that you will find someone way even better than me.

The one that can love you and accept you for who you are, for what you have.

I just want to spend these time that's left with you, before we really have to say goodbye.

I love you with all my heart and thank you so much for your sweet love.